The Golden Exchange: Building Healthy Student/Teacher Relationships

We've heard time and time again that "good" classroom management rests on the relationships that we build with students.  It's so true! As I was reflecting on all of the "hard-to-reach" students I've taught, it's clear that the bond that we shared is what helped me manage his/her behavior.  

I will never forget my first year of teaching.  It wasn't a nightmare, but it was definitely a learning experience in which I contemplated quitting after every meeting (HA! exaggerating a little).  But, I had a darling student who came to my classroom in kindergarten.  She was the cutest, but the minute I told her no!? She burst into a high pitched scream and would not turn that thing off! At that point I had to make it really clear to her that this was not the time or place to throw a tantrum like that.  Now we had tantrums on occasion for a little while after that, but they started to become less frequent.  I found this strategy that worked with her--I corrected her behavior, explained to her that there was a proper and improper way to express emotions, and then I encouraged her.  The encouragement would come in the form of a hug, smile, or just a pat on the back.  Over time we built a bond...my coworkers would joke and say that she was my mini-me because she began to take on some of my mannerisms (hilarious)! When I would be out and she had a substitute, it didn't sit well with her.  I would always warn her ahead of time when something in her routine changed and she would give me the side eye.  She spent her 1st grade year with me as well and it was golden for the most part and I miss her dearly.  Every single time she sees me in the hallway or walks past my classroom she smiles really big, waves, and sneaks in a huge every now and then.  She is in 2nd grade now and doing well.  My point in sharing this story was to show the significance of building a relationship.  This relationship comes in different forms because every student is different.  Just as they all require different things academically, they require for their emotional/social needs to be met.  With that being said, my intentions for this post is to share with you what I do.  What I do is not fool proof, it works for me.  

First Impressions

When I first meet a student, I immediately begin feeling them out...what is there personality like? Are they quiet/talkative? How do they interact with others (their parents, especially)? I have found that you can tell a lot about a student by how they interact with their parent(s).  I also ask parents if there is anything they would like for me to know about their child.  Some responses I have gotten before:  "Well, he/she sometimes will take a tantrum if he can't get his way."  I simply smile, nod, and make a mental note.  

The Inquiry Stage  

Next, I begin to interact and communicate with the child to acquire more information.  This is not formal or weird, it might go like this, "Hey! Were you excited to come to school? What school did you go to before?" Or if they are really shy I may say, "Ooooooooo, I love those shoes, girl! Can you get me some of those!?" How I approach students depends on the student.  You can discern what type of interaction they need based on what you know about their personalities.  There is no overkill or full blown conversations because I have 20 other kids in the room that I'm trying to observe as well.  It all happens naturally.  Depending on the child, they may want to keep talking, stand beside you silently, or go interact with the other children--I welcome all of those.  The main objective is to begin building trust! 

 Observation/Child Led Interactions

 I finally know a little bit about the child and have interacted with them a little...or a lot.  Now this part of the process can vary from child to child.  It's when they begin to approach me to communicate.  Sometimes it comes in the form of an impromptu hug.  It could be a picture drawn just for me.  They may even ask to hold my hand while they are walking in line getting ready to go home.  This year I have a ton of kids who LOVE having notes written to their parents about their behavior.  A lot of them also like verbal/nonverbal affirmation--a wink, thumbs up, "good job", or a song with their name in it pointing out that their doing the right thing (Kindergarten teachers are the best at making up songs, and the kids love it!).  This concept goes for discipline as well...all children to not respond to the same strategies! That is why I can not stand those color charts where you have to move up or down based on your behavior--it's not effective for all children (another post for another day).

 Now you're saying---

Okay, Cequoia...you've given me all of this but how do I actually do this if it does not come naturally? It's just like any other relationship--it takes time, trial and error, and practice to make things work.  Here's a few practical ways:

• Eat lunch with them and allow them time to talk about what they want to talk about.
• Be silly with them.
• Give them choices (within reason, of course)--would you like to do this today or that?
• Use a soft, calming tone of voice when appropriate.
• Affirm them.
• Watch your body language--smile!!

Let me digress for a moment...I hear you.  "Huh uh.  You can not do any of this.  Those kids will run all over you." No, they won't! If you make your boundaries clear and you allow them to get to know you as you are getting to know them, it won't be an issue.  If you ask my any of my former students what they would tell incoming House 9 friends, they would say:  "Ms. Hector don't play!" Meaning, I am quick to lay down the law when necessary.  It's a give and take.  You do the right thing and make good choices and all is well.  That's why it's a golden exchange.  You get what you want and they get what they want.  Is there room for mistakes? Absolutely.  We all have bad days, plus their children! Do I call their parents for every little misbehavior? NOPE.  They don't want to hear that.  So when I do call if the need arises, then they know that I am serious.  *steps off of soapbox*  

• Set boundaries.  Set boundaries.  Set boundaries.
• Again, it's not just about them, it's about you too.  Let them get to know you--what you like and what you don't like.  They catch on quickly!

I left this note in the work plan folder of one of my students to give her instructions on how to do her work and encourage her great performance in class.

 

 

•   Spend time with them outside of school--sports events, birthday parties, dance recitals, etc.  When they can connect with you outside of school it builds trust and makes them feel special.
• This may not always be possible, but form some type of relationship with families.  Make it so that they feel comfortable communicating with you--I mean, you do have their child for the majority of the day.           

Two of my former students at an event!

 

 

Lastly and most importantly...BE INTENTIONAL! Although some of it happens naturally, you still have to take initiative to get to know students.  With 20+ students in a room, it is easy to allow relationships with students to fall by the wayside.  When they trust you, they listen to you! And when they trust you, they test you too.  Don't we know it!? Love them! When you correct them, let them know that you love them, but do not like the behavior.  Make it clear.  Have fun...it is likely that they will never forget you and how you made them feel...make it count!